I can’t get over my wife’s 15-year-long affair (Getty Images)
Question: I have been married for over three decades, to a very beautiful and nice person. I deeply love her and I was under the impression that she loved me too. About four months back, I discovered that she was having an affair with someone and that affair lasted for 15 years. She said that she ended the affair right after writing the messages which I managed to read. I also discovered that her 'lover' had died after six months of that message exchange. Now, I am confused if she really discontinued it or it ended with his death. I am in a terrible state and can't accept that my wife could love someone for almost 15 years, although she maintains that she met him (slept) only four times, as he lived abroad. Somehow, and strangely, I am not so upset with the sex part, but the fact that she loved him so intensely and for so long. I am just going crazy thinking about this. Please help. -Anonymous
Answer by Smriti Sawhney: Thanks for reaching out and seeking help. I appreciate your emotional strength and your feelings for your partner of three decades even after her involvement with another person for 15 years. To begin with, I would say- yes it is a shocking event and thus disbelief, denial, anger at spouse and self, self pity are some of the negative emotions that you may be experiencing and this not abnormal. It truly must have been shocking and often such revelations can make a person question their own status in their partner's life as well one's own confidence in oneself as a person, as a life partner. So, to address these, constantly reassure yourself that it's not your fault that you are feeling like this and bring small changes in your routine that may help you feel positive, like including at least 20 minutes of exercise in your daily routine or indulging in a hobby like gardening or painting etc, as such activities are a good ventilation for pent up emotions and create a feel good factor within our body and mind.
Relationships are based purely on trust and respect. It would be a tough, but a worthwhile task to evaluate the pros and cons of staying in a relationship where your trust has been broken and when trust breaks, it also indicates lack of respect from the betraying partner. Forgiving is a great virtue, but forgetting is not so easy. Ask yourself this question, "She has been my partner for three decades and I wish to give her one more chance, but will I genuinely be able to move on forgetting the betrayal or will I move on, but will always have this bitterness for what she did to me?"
You began your query by describing that your wife is a very nice person. If you still feel this way after this revelation, then I would like to first go with this thought that you wish to save this marriage. I would like you to introspect how emotionally and physically involved has she been in these three decades of your marriage and especially, in the past 15 years, when she was involved with someone else. Did she ever make you feel unloved, unwanted or did you feel distances creeping in your relationship? Did she break up after you discovering her relationship or was it done by her as her own decision? This would also answer your question about why and when did she discontinue that affair. Sometimes people in their own weak moments find an emotional connection with another person, despite being in a relationship and by the time they realize it, it's too late. So, if you do wish to move on I will suggest that talk your heart out with her about your hurt, about what made her seek another relationship and what is her current emotional state post breaking up and her lover's death and this would be best done in the presence of a relationship expert or a psychologist to help you objectively evaluate and work on your future steps.
Answer by Smriti Sawhney: Thanks for reaching out and seeking help. I appreciate your emotional strength and your feelings for your partner of three decades even after her involvement with another person for 15 years. To begin with, I would say- yes it is a shocking event and thus disbelief, denial, anger at spouse and self, self pity are some of the negative emotions that you may be experiencing and this not abnormal. It truly must have been shocking and often such revelations can make a person question their own status in their partner's life as well one's own confidence in oneself as a person, as a life partner. So, to address these, constantly reassure yourself that it's not your fault that you are feeling like this and bring small changes in your routine that may help you feel positive, like including at least 20 minutes of exercise in your daily routine or indulging in a hobby like gardening or painting etc, as such activities are a good ventilation for pent up emotions and create a feel good factor within our body and mind.
Relationships are based purely on trust and respect. It would be a tough, but a worthwhile task to evaluate the pros and cons of staying in a relationship where your trust has been broken and when trust breaks, it also indicates lack of respect from the betraying partner. Forgiving is a great virtue, but forgetting is not so easy. Ask yourself this question, "She has been my partner for three decades and I wish to give her one more chance, but will I genuinely be able to move on forgetting the betrayal or will I move on, but will always have this bitterness for what she did to me?"
You began your query by describing that your wife is a very nice person. If you still feel this way after this revelation, then I would like to first go with this thought that you wish to save this marriage. I would like you to introspect how emotionally and physically involved has she been in these three decades of your marriage and especially, in the past 15 years, when she was involved with someone else. Did she ever make you feel unloved, unwanted or did you feel distances creeping in your relationship? Did she break up after you discovering her relationship or was it done by her as her own decision? This would also answer your question about why and when did she discontinue that affair. Sometimes people in their own weak moments find an emotional connection with another person, despite being in a relationship and by the time they realize it, it's too late. So, if you do wish to move on I will suggest that talk your heart out with her about your hurt, about what made her seek another relationship and what is her current emotional state post breaking up and her lover's death and this would be best done in the presence of a relationship expert or a psychologist to help you objectively evaluate and work on your future steps.
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